Our words carry power

The very act of speaking out loud
transforms our thoughts into vibrations,
sound vibrations—we literally send
energy out into the world.
What kind of energy are you sending?

Recently I read, communication isn’t about what we say, it’s about what others hear. This statement rang true in my mind. How do we know if what we think we’re saying is what others are really hearing, and are there ways of speaking that are less subject to misinterpretation? How much does body language (a.k.a. non-verbal communication) and voice inflection influence what others hear? Since we live in a world of email, texting, blogging, and social networks, where non-verbal communication and voice inflection aren’t present at all, have you noticed people still type as if they were, and subsequently their words often get misinterpreted?

We don’t live in a vacuum, we’re part of one another, always relating to each other. Words and language evolved out of the need or desire to communicate. Studies have shown that words and language affect the way we think and perceive our selves, our lives, and the world around us. They influence our mood, behavior, and our decision-making. We store and access words in our memory using association and context, we learn words by creating relationships between them. There have been studies that show a link between the language we are subjected to and our immune system—the language we are exposed to on a daily basis has the potential to make us sick, literally. The very act of speaking out loud transforms our thoughts into vibrations, we literally send energy out into the world. What kind of energy are you sending? Words carry power. Let me say that again, our words carry power!

“Teach yourself how to have loving thoughts…
When speaking or thinking, ask yourself three things:
Is it kind? Is it truthful? Is it necessary?”

I don’t remember when I was first exposed to the concept of “Nonviolent Communication”, but it seems like I already knew what it was by the time the subject was broached in my priestess training. I had friends on the high school debate team, my ex-boyfriend’s mother is a lawyer, and I learned a lot about argumentative techniques through all of them. Or maybe it was something I learned in Sunday School … who knows where I picked it up. And over the last year or so, there have been several occasions in which I was caught off guard by people in my spiritual circles using words and language that I’ve learned tend to incite defensiveness, counter-attack, and are generally quite divisive. I thought, “doesn’t everyone know you can’t talk to people like that and expect them to listen?” And so I came to realize just how much compassionate communication has become a part of my core values. I see it as integral to my work as a priestess and spiritual leader. And I was taking it for granted that everyone knows this stuff.

Nonviolent communication is one particular method of communication, developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., founder of The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). The website www.cnvc.org is loaded with information and educational resources. I suggest you check it out, if you haven’t aleady! It’s all about listening and speaking in a way that meets everyone’s needs, minimizing the chance that anyone will get triggered, upset, or offended and verbally lash out. There is no blame, shaming, or judgement on past actions, no drawing lines in the sand—only being in the present moment and co-creating a future everyone wants.

Most of us were not taught to communicate in these ways. Thinking before we speak, seeing things from the other person’s shoes, remembering they have their reasons and are trying to get their needs met, living by The Golden Rule, this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is a complex subject, and there’s a lot to know. And I mess up all the time. I don’t know whether it’s fortunate or unfortunate that there are endless opportunities to practice! But I think it’s important for us to strive to implement these ways of communicating with each other, to heal our relationship with the world.

THINK: is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?

I believe there’s always room for improvement on stepping outside myself and seeing the big picture, how I choose to act on my emotions, and understanding what kind of weight my choice of words carries. On the flip side, I see these communication models as tools to use, as we reprogram how our society has taught us to relate to one another… but sort of like the concept of a pride parade, I hope one day they become obsolete for all the right reasons.

Since I personally like learning what to do (no just what not to do), I wanted to share the following simple steps, offered by CNVC:

10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal, and Organizational Peace

1. Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
2. Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
3. Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
4. When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
5. Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
6. Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
7. Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
8. Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”
9. If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.
10. Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.

Tagged as: communication, compassionate-communication, language, nonviolent-communication, world-peace